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Letting Go Of The Anger…

The most difficult message for me to give families, truly, was to learn to let go of the anger – as difficult as I, too, personally, knew that was.  

I had no doubt that everything in life happened for a reason – that God – not man – was in control. 

The only way to get passed this anger was to find it in your heart to forgive the injustices done to you, your child or other loved one and your entire family.   I was not saying the pharmaceuticals and/or government agencies involved in this scandal should not be forced to compensate families devastated by these disorders - indeed, I believed that needed to happen.   How could one even begin to put a price tag to this tragedy?   A stolen child... a devastated family... a loved one so often lost in his own world... entire families so imprisoned or made captive by these disorders. 

The problem in all this was – who was at fault?   Clearly the government had played a huge role in all this, as had the pharmaceutical industry.   The FDA certainly had failed miserably in its responsibilities to the consumer… allowing the continued use of dental amalgams in spite of knowing the dangers of mercury, “rubber stamping” vaccine requests for approval based on very, very short term research, allowing aluminum to be in many, many foods in skin care products, as well as in so many foods found on grocery store shelves.   Aluminum, clearly was everywhere in everyday products.  Also found on grocery store shelves were foods and baby formulas fortified with iron – everyone simply assuming that this was safe.  Prenatal vitamins were loaded with iron.   There had been a complete breakdown, in so much, it seemed.

In addition to this, there were the many “conflicts of interest” between the government and the pharmaceutical industry.   Clearly, the most obvious of these involved the “apparent” conflict of interest involving perhaps the most powerful man on earth – The President of The United States – in term of his family ties not only to the pharmaceutical industry, but to the CIA as well.

George W. Bush, a man so loved by Christians – a man who put himself in the ranks of Christians.   Clearly, George W. Bush, and his father, had on many an occasion stated they were Christians.   George W. Bush had clearly stated that – now, it would be time – to show that!

When it came to the Bush family, clearly, on the surface, when looking at all these issues – of past and present “ties” - it certainly was easy to judge and think the worse.

Although even a man as powerful of the President of the United States perhaps liked to think “he was in charge”, the simple fact was that God decided everything – including whether or not to allow a President to lose his life as he chocked on a pretzel.   The fact that God had allowed President George W. Bush to recover from that small incident – perhaps – a small reminder of who was really in charge – told me that God had more in store for this man.   What it was – I knew not – but at the feet of George W. Bush had been laid the opportunity to be known as one of the greatest leaders ever – or one of the worst ever.   God had given all men, including George W. Bush the “ability to choose” – and as such, George W. Bush’s legacy was very much a matter of – individual choice – as it was for all of us!

If the Bush family had done things that were less than moral – that was between them and God.   One could not change the past.   Even the most horrible of pasts could be forgiven by God,and, fellow Christians and although the past could not be changed, certainly there existed the ability and the opportunity to change the future!

Yet, the President clearly had a job, I, personally, would never want.   He, too, had been chosen as part of God’s plan.   God had chosen Pharaoh – in Egypt - and raised him for a very specific purpose too.   Clearly, to be chosen by God “for certain jobs” – especially “jobs like these” – “jobs required for God’s plan to move forward”… well, let us just say that these were not “jobs”, I, personally would want to be “applying for” and thanked the Lord for having given me the best job in the world – that job of – “mom”.

Yes, clearly, it would be easy to judge the Bush family in all this… and so many others.   But, the fact remained, that the bible instructed us not to judge – in order that we not be judged.  Judging based on “surface issues” was indeed an easy thing to do.  

Certainly, on the surface, it was easy to say that “family ties” in the Bush family to the CIA and Eli Lilly had been the reason for which the administration of George W. Bush – the son – had attempted to seal vaccine injury lawsuits records.   On the surface, that would certainly be what appeared “obvious”.    So, the question was – Were things “as they seemed” or not?   That, indeed, was a difficult thing to determine and as such, I had but one place to turn for “the truth” in all this – the bible – and to a passage that stated: 

Ye shall know them by their fruits”  Matthew 7:16.

For example, did government hearings on the possible autism-vaccination link really want to get to the truth?   That was a serious question indeed.   Unfortunately, the answer to that, based on “the fruits” of these hearings, was again, a resounding – no!   I just had a very difficult time believing that subpoenas had not yet been issued and that so many issues had yet to be made “very public” – such as the Simpsonwood report.   Not once had that report ever been covered in the news and yet, this “investigative committee” had now held this report for about six months.   It seemed to me that the information in that report was rather “black and white” in terms of what it showed.  

As such, I no longer had much hope of seeing the truth provided by such “hearings” because in my opinion, the only reason the government appeared to even have these “hearings” was to find out how much the public really knew so that those in government agencies could then go have more “secret behind closed doors meetings” to try to figure out how in the world they were going to get out of this mess.  

How much did the public know?   Too much… and the public was finding out more each day!  

Likewise, I would now be very closely watching “the fruits” of a professed Christian – President Bush – to see, if indeed he was a Christian - a “false prophet”.

“Beware the false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves”.  Matthew 7:15.

Which would it be?   Certainly, time would soon reveal the answer.  

I knew many in the Christian world would be quite upset at what I had written as perhaps would be many parents of children with autism who felt Dan Burton had done a “wonderful job”.  Well, again, if the government really wanted to get to the truth, where were the subpoenas of the CDC, FDA and pharmaceutical industry? 

My intent was simply to raise concerns that, in my opinion, were very much justified.   The bible instructed me to be careful not to be deceived – and as such, I looked at everything, in a whole new light.  Only Mr. Bush and Mr. Burton knew their true motives – at least on earth.   I no longer looked to these persons for answers.    The truth would be known one day – of that, I was absolutely sure!  I only hoped that when that day came, these gentlemen had answers that would satisfy God – the ultimate judge of all this – a God that would not be fooled by lies, excuses, and/or denial – of any kind.  

The fact that hundreds of millions already had impaired immune systems certainly also had to be an indication that we were indeed living in “endtimes” for the bible predicted great disease and pestilence in “endtimes”.   With so many immune systems already failing, it was easy to see why this would be the case.   We had done a rather fantastic job of destroying ourselves.

Given so many persons already had immune system problems and as such, what were the dangers of further assaulting the immune system in matters relating to disease control.   We certainly seemed to be in a catch 22.

Through the use of excess iron, it certainly seemed to be the case that children today, were being born with already impaired immune systems – systems we then further assaulted via vaccines before the immune system could even begin to recover.  Man had been on this path of self- destruction for quite some time now.   The issues were huge and the costs were huge.   One world government certainly appeared to be just around the bend.  

We could not truly know the guilt or innocence of those involved for who can judge another's heart?   I knew there were victims on all side.  And, I certainly knew that I, personally, would never want to be a “leader” of any nation because world leaders would be judged much more harshly by God for their actions than I would be. 

Yes, sir… being “mom” suited me just fine!  :o)

Being a mom was certainly the most important job of all as far as I was concerned.

And, as a “mom”, my ultimate responsibility was not in making sure Zachary learned how to be “potty trained” or earned a degree – my ultimate responsibility was in making sure Zachary made it - to heaven.   This life was but a vapor… at most, about a hundred years.

But how long was “eternity”?   Ten lifetimes… no… a hundred lifetimes… no… a million lifetimes… no… a billion lifetimes… no…

Clearly – eternity – was a very long time.  

It was this realization that helped me to put things in perspective.   Certainly, Zachary had suffered a great deal in his short life.   My life and that of my entire family had been held completely captive to “autism”.   Yet, when compared to a hundred lives… a million lives… a billion lives… what was “this life” – a mere vapor indeed – a mere test simply to determine where I spent the life that truly mattered – my eternal life.   

I knew in my heart that God would be merciful to my son and to others with mental illness.   As great as His mercy would be… so too, would be His wrath for those who had knowingly deceived and hurt so many.   The simple fact was I did not wish hell - on anyone.  

Eternity – indeed – was a very long time - to be - in the wrong place!

The Webster’s dictionary defined a crime as “a serious offense against the public law” [Webster’s New Dictionary Of The English Language, Revised and Updated Edition, Merriam-Webster, Inc., Popular Publishing Company, NY, ISBN 1-59027-000-2].

This same reference defined the law as:

“Law:  1: a rule of conduct or action established by custom or laid down and enforced by a governing authority; also: the whole body of such rules 2: the control brought about by enforcing rules 3 cap: the revelation of the divine will set forth in the Old Testament; also: the first part of the Jewish scriptures – see Bible table 4: a rule or principle of construction or procedure 5: the science that deals with laws and their interpretation and application 6: the profession of a lawyer 7: a rule or principle stating somethat that always works in the same way under the same conditions”.

This same reference defined a “lawbreaker” as “one who violates the law”.

This same reference defined a “constitution” as “… an established law or custom” or “basic law in a politically organized body; also: a document containing such law”.

Note the opening of the US Constitution:

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”

It certainly seemed those attending the Simpsonwood and Puerto Rico meetings had violated this aspect of the Constitution.   After all, by keeping this information from the public, we had violated “we the people” and made that into “we the people in this room”.  

The establishment of justice had clearly also been violated given that it certainly was not “just” for only a “priviledged few” to be allowed to make informed decisions based on information that could be critical to the life and health of an individual and/or his loved ones.  

Was the government “insuring domestic tranquility” in how it had handled these issues – behind closed doors – forever continuing to deny a link between vaccines and neurological disorders, while clearly knowing for a fact that a link did indeed exist?   Was the government “insuring domestic tranquility” by allowing only a priviledged few to make informed decisions for their families in matters that clearly impacted the health and life of a loved one?   

“Promote the general welfare”?   It appeared to me that as a result of our tremendous zeal and aggressive vaccination schedules, there were perhaps more people – in all generations – dealing with illness than ever before.   There were literally hundreds of millions of people impacted by the disorders discussed in this text – disorders that certainly appeared to be somehow related to how the government had “promoted the general welfare”.  

Finally, when it came to “securing the blessing of liberty”… I think any parent of family member of an autistic child could well attest to the fact that autism had made not only the child a prisoner of his disorder – but his entire family as well!  My freedom to enjoy even basic activities in life had been completely stolen from me and from my child!

It certainly appeared to me that even in this first opening paragraph to the Constitution, those attending these meetings had already broken quite a few parts of “the law”.

I personally, had no desire to get involved in a lawsuit or send someone to jail.   My intent here was simply to give those in “governing bodies” a little taste of what parents of children with autism – worldwide – and family members of those so impacted by other disorders that also played into all this – Alzheimer’s, schizophrenia, cancer, kidney failure, liver failure, heart failure, Downs Syndrome, and on and on and on - surely had to be thinking as they now considered all the issues that played into what I now clearly saw as a huge social catastrophe.  

Would the government continue to deny the link between vaccines and neurological disorders – in spite of the fact that reports such as the Simpsonwood meeting and Puerto Rico meeting reports were now very much public?   Would that be “the proper” position for the government to take in all this?   Would that not simply make the public scream – “liars!”  Would continued denial help mend fences that were in need of major repair when it came to issues of public trust?   Would continued denial allow us to finally honestly investigate and address these issues once and for all?  Would the constant failure to address these issues give the public any confidence in vaccination policies and/or world health disease control issues?    Would continued lack of honesty restore public trust?

I supposed one could always attempt to do “damage control” by giving the public “more lies” and perhaps get away with that to a certain extent, after all… one world leader had clearly shown that:

“If you tell a lie long enough, loud enough and often enough, the people will believe it.” 

Adolf Hitler

Yet, now, there were a few more who were less apt to simply believe everything they were now told when it came to issues of the autism-vaccine link.   We were all free to believe what we chose to believe.  Everything in life was a matter of choice.  

The choice to do what was right or what was wrong.   America was a nation built upon choice and often, the “rest of us” often had to live with “bad choices” made by someone else that impacted our loved ones – choices we had little or no control over.   Even though there was perhaps the appearance of “getting away with this” as powerful leaders “chose” to deny these issues and “chose to protect themselves personally” rather than face the truth, as I attempted to keep an anger that constantly wanted to resurface in check – I simply reminded myself that there was someone else who believed in “choice” – God!   As such, yes, each man could “choose” for himself what to do, and I would adapt to that “choice”, but, in making that “choice” as to whether or not to do what was right, I reminded everyone that:

“God will not be mocked!”

Behold, I come quickly; to give every man according as his work shall be.   Revelation 22: 12

So go ahead… and choose!!!

Justice would ultimately prevail.   Of that, I had absolutely no doubt.   If not on earth – then later!   I had already forgiven those who had played a role in this and had so stolen and injured my son and so made my son, my family and me prisoners of “autism”.     I was now free – by the grace and love of Christ – and I hoped that for all persons – on all sides of this issue.

That whole “gnashing of teeth, fires that burned constantly, incessant wailing and weeping, excruciating, torturous pain that never went away, never-ending sorrow”… all these things were simply not something I could wish - on even my worst enemy.

I knew there were many who did not believe in God or in hell.   Man’s “beliefs” as they related to the reality of God, heaven and hell, were irrelevant in all this and by now, I think we could pretty well all agree that “man’s beliefs” quite, honestly, were usually - wrong.   Only God’s word mattered – and clearly, according to God’s words – these things did exist.   The one and only thing I knew to be true – without a doubt – was God’s word! 

Certainly, I had reason to be upset by so much of what I had come to understand… but moreso, I had reason for hope and joy – knowing that one day, my son would be in heaven with me – perfect – forever – and that was a very, very long time!  :o)

Yes, some obviously had known more about these issues than perhaps they had divulged.  Of that, I had no doubt.  But the fact remained that we were now all in this together and we needed answers and solutions – not more anger and devastation.  It was easy to forgive someone who had committed a small offense.   But, it was in forgiving he who had hurt you most that you could once again find joy and purpose in life.  

I knew what other families with loved ones suffering from these disorders felt as they read this book – coming to perhaps see so much - all at once.  I knew the pain you, too, would feel all too well.   Having to deliver this message to so many families had been very, very difficult for me but I had always searched for the truth - in everything.   I never could have imagined, however, how truly painful all this could be.   The pain I had felt in this journey with "autism" was beyond any words.    

Within “autism” was the power to “divide greatly” or the power to “unite greatly” as we worked in resolving these issues.

Again, it was a “matter of choice” – so choose!

As difficult as this journey with “autism” had been - as angry as I was at times, I knew that I, personally, would leave my battle to God when it came to justice in all this.   I could not know the heart or motives of another.   There was an old saying:   “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”.   That certainly could very well be true.   I did not doubt that many had “good intentions” in terms of controlling deadly diseases and yet these “good intentions” could have entangled them in a web from which there perhaps appeared to be no way out.  But there was always a way out – one who could forgive even the worst of sins – and if God could forgive, so could I.  

I would focus my life on helping my child and other children with autism, and in making people understand the issues behind these disorders.    I refused to let anger - an anger that constantly wanted to resurface - consume my life and that of my family because, anger, too, could devastate and destroy. 

Persons around the world called themselves Christians – and believed in God – it would now be time to put long held beliefs into practice to overcome these issues.   So, again… choose as to how to respond to all this… but choose carefully!

I would do my best to help my child while on earth, but my ultimate comfort for Zachary came in knowing that, one day, he would be in heaven with me – perfect –forever!    I would enjoy him while on earth and look forward to our eternal rewards! 

I encouraged all families impacted by these disorders to do their best to help their child or loved one on earth - and look forward to God's promises of better days.   Now more than ever I saw how easy it was to get so involved in the hurricane of daily life that we failed to plan for the most important thing of all – the next life.   

This experience, had truly made me realize one thing – that the only thing I could know to be 100% true – was the word of God!

For me, personally, listening to the bible on CD at night as I went to bed, or first thing in the morning, had been the best way for me to let go of the anger and move forward.  The following was a link where you could purchase the bible on CD.    Or, you could listen - for free - to daily teachings from the word of God available on the Internet via In Touch Ministries at

I refused to let my anger consume me – as easy as that would have been.  Trial – and forgiveness – could truly make you a stronger and better person – in spite of it all!

Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee.   Psalm 55:22

As difficult as I also knew it was, I urged you to find it in your heart  - to forgive – and leave the judgment of all this to God - for He - would be just.

Forgiveness… and deception… both such important matters.  

The simple fact was that, those who committed even the worst of crimes could be forgiven by God.    In terms of deception, that, in my opinin, was a much more complicated issue.  

As I looked at the world about me, there was no doubt that deception reigned everywhere.   Political deception, social deception, economic deception… the lies and and lack of morality in so many areas of life simply litered the world we lived in – of that, there could be no doubt.  

Perhaps one of the worse deceptions of all had to do with stem cell research and the use of innocent children by “science” – science that knew all too well that mercury targeted immature cells.   This was but one poignant example of  a rather obvious deception!

In looking at the world, and this verse from the bible, clearly, it appeared to me that as a society, we were very much facing the wrath of God:

“These six things does the Lord hate; yes, seven are an abomination unto him:  A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, a false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren” Proverbs 6:16-19. [Holy Bible]

The storms of this life would pass – of this, I could be sure.    Those of the next life, however, would be for eternity.   It was so easy to get caught in the whirlwind of this life – and forget to plan for and work toward – the next.

One could turn to man for “answers” – or turn to God – and receive not only peace and joy, but eternal salvation – the promise of a perfect life – in a perfect world – a world free of any evil, of any deception, of any pain.  

In the past, I had turned to man – and had gotten basically nowhere.   Now, I turned to God, and so much had unfolded before my very eyes.   Joy and hope once again were with me – only now, so too - was God!

It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.   Psalm 118:8

Judge not your brother… and you shall not be judged…

For wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself… Romans 2:1

Again, it was simply a matter of choice… so choose!


Only by forgiving could you truly begin to heal, to learn to control your anger and eventually - let go of that anger - altogether.   

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DISCLAIMER - PART II - Now... for those of you who think "mother at home researching" means "uneducated person with unfounded information"... I have 10 years of university... 3 degrees... and over 30,000 hours of research into these areas.   For anyone who thinks my research is "unfounded"...  read the RESEARCH FILE posted on my home page... with its over 1,000 references ... for your reading pleasure... because... quite clearly... you haven't read it yet!   Breaking The Code - Putting Pieces In Place!©